I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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