I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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