My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All the doctor said was why
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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