Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
