i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
