I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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