Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
