I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she told me i tasted like america
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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