a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
