the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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