She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
