Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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