I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
