Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
where are you?
Hypothermia
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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