your thong is hanging out like whoa
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
