He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
