just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
