I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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