I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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