pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
