Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
