Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
