I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
