You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
