i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
