i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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