So drunk, too bad you don't want this
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
