I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
