It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
