he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
