i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
