You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
