My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
