I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
