Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
