I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
