The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
