i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
