I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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