I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
