woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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