I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Where did you get a picture of my penis
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
