I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
sarcasm needs its own font
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
