I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
