Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
