My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
