and she was petting her beer can
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
