before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
4 words: hood of his car
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
