An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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