I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
