Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize