Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
