Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize