I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
