Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize