There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
