I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
